Helping Our Kids Make Good Decisions

Remember the “always/never” statements we made as kids? We said we would never smoke/drink/kiss/fill in the blank. We believed we would never change our minds about certain preferences (I swore I would wear Wonder Woman jammies to bed forever!) And yet we found ourselves experimenting and changing our minds about things that were once so carved in stone. The importance shifted, peer influence came into play, they stopped making Wonder Woman jammies… But seriously! We changed our minds. We made new choices. We tried things. We made decisions and not always the best ones. Ugh. And now we have our own kids and we might just be TERRIFIED at times about the choices they are up against.

So what are you going to do?
Lock them in the house until they’re 30? Forbid them to do anything (which usually leads to them being more clever about not getting caught), or are you going to arm them with the tools to make the best possible decisions they can and then trust that if it doesn’t turn out so good that they’ll learn and move on?

Here’s the thing folks, a 5 year old rationalizing whether or not to sneak a cookie before dinner requires the same process as a 15 year old deciding whether or not to have sex.  If they can start to learn how to weigh the benefits and the consequences when they’re 5, they’ll have a much easier time with the ‘big’ decisions when they’re teens.

Being Ready
As I brought up my now 16 year old twin girls, I would always tell them that making decisions about new responsibilities and freedoms in life was about being ready, not about being a certain age. For example, when they asked me in grade 6 if they could wear eyeliner, I asked them to tell me what we would need to see to know they were ready. We decided that if they could wear eyeliner for a whole weekend so it looked clean, they washed it off before bed, they didn’t get it on their clothes and they had enough allowance saved up to buy their own after the experiment, then they were ready to wear eyeliner. Well, they lasted about 3 hours before they were frustrated reapplying it after every time they rubbed their eyes and smudged it! The result: they made the choice that they weren’t ready. They decided what was right for themselves and I wasn’t the bad guy.

Wearing eyeliner isn’t exactly one of the panic-instilling decisions we worry about our kids making. So what about the big ones, like sex, drinking or drugs?

Here are 5 great points to teach your kids on what to consider before making the big ones!:

GUT CHECK
Intuition, our gut feeling, whatever you want to call it, it’s there to send important signals when our heads can’t clearly decide. Some tell-tale signs that we may not be ready for something are: our heart races, temperature changes, we feel nervous or queasy, we’re unable to think clearly, or a combination of any of those.

Feeling physically uncertain may be a clear sign that waiting is a good idea. When we feel totally clear about something, the decision is easy and it feels right.

PROS and CONS
Make a list – even if it’s in their head – of the things that are ‘for sure’ good about saying yes and the things that are ‘I don’t think so’ bad about saying yes. The length of the cons list is a good indicator of whether a yes or no is in order.

DELIVERY
If they’re making a decision where another person asks them for something or to do something, consider their delivery. How did they ask? Were they considerate and respectful? Did they pressure you if you said you weren’t sure? Were they rude or not nice? Did they say anything along the lines of “no one else has to know” or “it’ll be a secret”? (BTW, tell your kids that if someone ever says “do this, and we won’t tell anyone” …TELL!  It’s totally not cool and they shouldn’t be a part of it.)

THE 3:24 RULE
This rule will get them out of any uncomfortable situation at any time if they make it their own personal rule. 3:24 represents 3 PEOPLE and 24 HOURS. They commit to themselves to talk to 3 people within the next 24 hours before making ANY big decision. Of those 3 people, suggest they try to make one of them an adult they trust (like a parent, teacher or coach) and one of them a person who has had to make that same decision. The other can be a good friend. This way, they’ll feel supported and informed, no matter what decision they make. It’ll help them to see more than one side and will relieve the pressure of deciding right away. They can make a pact with their friends and then tell others they ALWAYS follow the 3:24 rule.

THEN WHAT
This is key! Did you know that our brains aren’t even fully developed until we’re in our 20′s? And the part where they think beyond ‘what’s in it for me right now’ isn’t the most used. Kids need to be encouraged to consider the near and distant future. What happens afterward if you say yes? Are there new expectations? Will anything change? Is there a possibility you may regret your decision? What if others found out like a friend, parent, teacher, future boss? Tell your kids that whatever they decide, be ready for the rewards or consequences. If they are ready to say yes, they have to be ready for what it results in later.

Being ‘ready’ is not about age, it’s about maturity. It’s about them deciding things because it’s right for them, not because of ‘everyone else’. We haven’t always made the best decisions and hopefully we’re wiser because of it. We have to trust that a lot of our kid’s decisions will be good ones and that we’ve given them the tools to learn from the ones that weren’t so hot.

I always told my girls: never say never, but never say yes if it’s not right for you.

~ Jenifer
If communication is a struggle with your kids or teens, check out my parenting strategy workshops to create Harmony in your home!